Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
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pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Möther may I have a snäck
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games