Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
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Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
This raises questions
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Last-minute gift idea!
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Hamburger Hinderer.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.