Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I love art.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.