Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
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I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.