@ThisOneSayz

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

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@LoveNLunchmeat

People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for

@truegritrumble

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

@Bob_Janke

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

@iNusku

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

@KyleMcDowell86

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

@Spaziotwat

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

@PrisonCookies

When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next

@bobvulfov

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

@Knob_ish

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.