Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
You Might Also Like
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
when you don’t want to be too vague
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Ummm
He’s cranky this morning
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow