Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
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I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I only treason on days ending in y
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips