Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
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I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.