Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
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Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
somewhere, in an alternate universe
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity