Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
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Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years