Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
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[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Twitter fine art
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.