Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
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You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
They’re on their honeymoon
My first child will be named New Folder.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
The three genders
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing