Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
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Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.