Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
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*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Noah
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”