Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
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If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs