Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

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Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.


Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.


I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.


My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.


I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.


[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test


fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths


My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.


Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.