Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
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Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
sigh
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
reduce, reuse, recycle
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.