Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
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Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Has there ever been a more American story?
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.