Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
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Autocorrect completely socks
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name