Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
You Might Also Like
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
*checks Timeline*…
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”