@causticbob

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

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@houffy

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

@murrman5

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

@HousewifeOfHell

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

@WheelTod

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

@Social_Mime

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

@Beakmoo

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

@ChrisThayerSays

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

@GrantTanaka

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

@BrettDruck

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

@Clanopath

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.