@ChefRonSullivan

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

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@CrystalTheRed

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

@miffedmim

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

@mjkspeaks

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

@shanethevein

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

@DearSplenda

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

@SlabBaconBP

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

@thepunningman

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

@iLikeCatShirts

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?

@JohnLyonTweets

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.