@CrystalTheRed Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
@ChefRonSullivan Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
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@CrystalTheRed 
@miffedmim Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
@mjkspeaks Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
@shanethevein If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
@DearSplenda there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
@SlabBaconBP Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
@thepunningman Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
@iLikeCatShirts Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
@JohnLyonTweets People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.