Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
You Might Also Like
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes