Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
You Might Also Like
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?