Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
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*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
my lower back watching me try to live my life