Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
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They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
I only treason on days ending in y
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
happy valentine’s day to me
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂