Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
You Might Also Like
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.