Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
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[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
😏😏😏
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.