Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
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corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive