Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation