Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
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[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
This is hilarious….
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
had to make it
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night