Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
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My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Me irl
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.