WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
You Might Also Like
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
“you changed” bro i was 15
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel