Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
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If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…