Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
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Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”