why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
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People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait