Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
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i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
How actors in movies eat their food
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.