Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
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If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Only a mother’s love …
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick