Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
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being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I’m going to need a moment here.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?