Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
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I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
God has abandoned us.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad