“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
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My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro