“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
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*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job