Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
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Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.