Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
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My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space