Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
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Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.