Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
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Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Effort made
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
#NoRestForTheWicked
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
uncle dave has been through hell
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!