why isn’t he texting back
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MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.