Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
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Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.