Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

Was it something I said?

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

“Don’t take this wrong but…”

Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

🤭

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.