@Astute_Galoot

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

@MakesYouGiggle

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

@Dawn_M_

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

@squirrel74wkgn

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

@trevso_electric

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

@HousewifeOfHell

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

@MelvinofYork

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

@slimmy_shady

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

@TheCatWhisprer

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.