Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

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[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?


Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.


Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.


No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.


Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”


What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.


If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again


My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.


If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.


I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.