Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
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So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
#TopTip
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?