Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
You Might Also Like
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you