Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
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My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
based al yankovic
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.