Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
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Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
i really liked this one
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min